In the movie of my life
I am played by Jim Carey
Because he has a big mouth.
My wife is played by Cameron Diaz – it’s Hollywood.
My mother is Helen Mirren.
My father is Jim Broadbent because it always is.
The cat is CGI.
The film fails miserably.
Then becomes a cult hit
With poets, youth workers, socialists and fans of Twitter.
In the sequel the cat is voiced by Morgan Freeman.
He pronounces Chippenham wrong.
And wins an Oscar.
BOGOF when you just need one
Check out captains
Other shoppers.
Suspicious security guards
Other shoppers with small children
Unnecessary packaging
Cutting staff to use workfare
Other shoppers with small children not in control of the trolley they had to push.
Trying to find pine nuts
Having a choice of toasted or untoasted pine nuts
Paying £1 for having my pine nuts toasted.
Self-service tills
People who take trolleys through self-service tills.
Other shoppers with small children trying to use self-service tills.
Losing my wife to the clothing section
Loyalty cards
Forgetting my bag for life
Forgetting my vouchers to go with my loyalty card.
Eating horse meat that should be beef
So, mysupermarket.com
Would not sell clothes (maybe tights)
Only be for me
Pay a living wage
Trade fair
Wrap in paper bags
Sounds like local shopping to me.
I see no dirt when dirt is there
Don’t mind a sink that’s full of hair
Have ‘To do’ piles all round the home
Ignore the lime scale on the chrome
For cleaning is an endless task
Be it kitchen floor or window glass
So leave the dust, the much of course.
Unless you don’t want a divorce.
On the cheap
On the sly
Watching people wander by
Fingerless gloves
Polystyrene tea
Market trading life for me
Everyday a different town
Setting up, closing down.
UKs thinnest carrier bags
Stall propped up with porno mags.
When the high street has long gone,
I’ll still be here with my market song.
Fingerless gloves
Polystyrene tea
Market trading life for me
To speak the lingo, just add –o
Be it expresso, Americano, macchiato
Become a Barista Maestro
Choose your venue based
On Fairtrade, colour scheme
Points cards or tax paying policy.
Wonder if the outside seating has planning permission.
Most importantly pay over the odds. Or get drive thru.
Horsing Around
Horses are funny in Britain.
Most don’t want to eat one
But say they could.
Posh girls like to own them,
Small men like to ride them
Men envy there long… faces
And the nation gambles on them once a year
Knowing nothing about them.
And in that week several will die
And we pretend not to see the Tesco van scoop them up
Today’s effort was inspired by an early morning tweet from @beetourist
The Strangeness of Crumpets
When cold, the chewiest, slimiest, doughy mass in your mouth.
The bubbles, as if maggots have been at them.
And crawled away
Inspiring Aeros.
When smothered in butter
Crisp,
Soft,
Hot.
Like nothing else.
Gutless Dick 